Complete Tosh.com

“So this is Christmas,” they sang, and today they’re right. Not the easiest of run-ups at Chez Tosh, with more trivial problems including the mighty Tesco delivering a Christmas shop a quarter of which was, by the 25th, beyond its sell-by date.

I mean, I’m sure they do their best, but they might guess that when you order enough sprouts to send one of us to the moon, there’s only one day they’re going to be deployed. Oh – and maybe they could try a little harder not to bash the bloody bags around so much they knock the top off the washing up liquid. It’s not dirty dishes I object to; more the damned Turkey a la Lemon Zest.

Meanwhile, I want to leave you with the touching words of the sage of the King’s Road, Jose Mourinho. “Family is more important than football, so don’t care about whether we are first, second or third,” he said this week. “Be worried about the people you love, the world, peace and all these things.”

Lovely words, even if I strongly suspect the wily chap is just attempting to make sure Alex and Arsene have too much Merlot and turkey today. Speaking of which…

You can almost feel the rising panic among English parents today as they read in the Guardian that their children are getting a worse diet than – for goodness sake – Scottish kids. Yes, even western Europe’s number one destination for coronary disease is managing to come up with better stuff for school dinners. That’s thanks to the Scottish Executive’s "Hungry for Success" programme, which is forcing food companies to lower the amount of crap they supply to school kitchens.

Caught in the headlights is "bootiful" Bernard Matthews Foods, whose Turkey Twizzlers product is pictured – looking not unlike a plate of tanned maggots – on the front of today’s paper. The Twizzlers have 21.2% fat when cooked – more than twice the Scottish maximum. In case you’re wondering how they get normally quite lean turkey to become that fatty, it may have something to do with adding pork, the presence of which is revealed in this piece from Caterer (via the marvel of the Google cache). It also says Twizzlers are aimed at the "pub catering sector in particular". Start ‘em young, eh?

Bernard Matthews, for its part, says it’s working on a lower fat version of this product, and others in its range. But it’s been suggested (Bernard Matthews denies this) that the pace of change has been slowed because Scotland is a small market, with limited punch in the market. Rubbing sodium chloride in the wound, Gillian Kynoch – Scotland’s "health tsar" – says: "I would go as far as to say that England is holding us back".

But, for Bernard, you’ve got to wonder how damaging it is when a caterer, based in the home of the mutton pie and deep-fried pizza (mmm – yum) says of your turkey nuggets: "the quality of product was not high enough so we stopped using them". Bootiful? Not really.