Divided loyalties

It is, I imagine, a bit like having an affair. An evening off, Mrs Tosh up north with work. Head out, seeking new adventures, but feeling I should really be elsewhere.

Except this mistress is football - infinitely more expensive than the extramarital kind, and if all affairs were as consistently disappointing, the divorce rate would fall as close to nil as those few quickly-regretted drunken accidents at Gretna might allow.

So last night it was the short walk to Crystal Palace which, for Americans and Scots in the audience, is my very local team here in South London, now we have made The Move. Were I to stand on the corner of a particular stadium floodlight, and crane my neck while using a pair of mildly powerful binoculars, I could just about see in a bedroom window of our new home. Before plunging to a messy end on the Selhurst park pitch.

Various euphemisms are employed to describe being a Palace fan, employing that roundabout terminology people usually deploy to discuss a relative’s long struggle with hemorrhoids. The Palace Wikipedia entry puts it thus: “Unfortunately, the only constant in the life of a Palace fan is change”. Simply, Palace’s role in English football is to flit between the joy of promotion to the Premiership, and the depression of tumbling straight back out. No other side has been up, and down, so many times (four, thus far). If it’s a roller-coaster you’re after, it’s here.

Palace, of course, are not my regular side; I’ve been following Swindon Town since 1999, and had a season ticket until last season’s relegation debacle. But in May, fresh with the disappointment of watching the side tut, tut its way to relegation, I decided the 190-mile drive was, frankly, not going to be worth it this term.

Town promptly hired a high-profile, progressive young manager in Dennis Wise, appointed the high-profile, progressive Gus Poyet as his assistant, got an investor to pile £1m in, and have won both their opening games (and, with an unfortunate air crash at the weekend, appear determined to become a real life Dream Team).

This is something of a turnaround in fortunes. Despite the practical, rational benefits of watching Palace - ten minute walk, decent standard of football - Mrs Tosh is convinced I’ll be off in the car, paying through the nose for Swindon match-day tickets week in, week out by September, and buying a half season-ticket at Christmas. I’m not sure; my conviction is that I bring a jobbie touch to whichever side is unfortunate enough to have me watching, and that they might do better without me. Besides, glory-hunting at the County Ground is the footballing equivalent of playing on a busy road.

But it was to Palace last night for that adulterous evening, thoughts divided between the pitch below and Selhurst’s Jumbotron screen, tuned to Sky Sports News and thus showing updates on Swindon Town’s progress against Barnet (this is a bit disconcerting, somewhat like going out to a restaurant only to find there’s a telly on in the background showing what you’d be watching if you’d stayed at home).

Except this was thirty quid for a birdshit strewn seat, the worst hotdog I’ve ever had at a football ground (this, sports fans, takes some doing) and Palace, having offered up a great chance to their visitors within 22 seconds, were 1-0 down to tiny Southend by the interval. I was lucky they didn’t throw me out there and then.

The Eagles recovered - the introduction of veteran striker Dougie Freedman saw to that - and now top the Championship with two wins out of two. Palace showed enough to suggest they could be my latest purveyors of expensive footballing disappointment. And I quite like their tradition of singing the Dave Clark Five’s Glad all over as the teams come out.

But, I’ve got to confess, I was still happier to hear that Town - cheered on by a crowd a good couple of thousand bigger than normal, but less than half of that at Palace - had also managed a second victory, thanks to a dramatic late winner. Maybe Mrs Tosh is right, again.

BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
« How to break KitKats
» Mixed message?

COMMENTS / 5 COMMENTS

When will you learn? Mrs Tosh is *always* right!

Chris thought this on Aug 09 06 at 10:25 am

Selhurst is my nearest “proper” football ground (apologies to Sutton United) although my only visits have been to see friends’ teams (marvelling at how little leg room there is in the away stand). I’ve never sampled the catering, but you’ve got me tempted now… maybe their burgers could beat the notorious Luton Town “still breathing” burger in the culinary nightmare stakes…

adrian thought this on Aug 09 06 at 10:53 am

Haha - good point, Adrian. And, certainly, my ranking of Selhurst’s hot dogs could only be done after due consideration of my Luton Town catering experience (you only ever have one, no matter how often you visit).

I’d say on an overall score, incorporating ambiance and general chance of catching something requiring two months in a sterile oxygen tent, the Luton Town experience is still much worse than Selhurst - on my first visit to Luton, we had to step over a rat dying on the stairs up to the away end.

That said, I still had a hotdog that day, and it was still better than Palace’s, as I recall. Or maybe I was just hungrier.

Neil McIntosh thought this on Aug 09 06 at 11:36 am